I’ve decided that it takes too much work to try to remember everything I want to share when I only send out big, infrequent updates. So…here is (what I hope will be) the first of many smaller, more frequent updates. Salut!
It is the middle of the rainy season here in Benin. Rain here doesn’t fuck around, either. Back home we get stretches of days on end when “it rains.” Usually that means there has been some minuscule, yet measurable, amount of precipitation. Not here. No, in Benin we had a two week stretch that just ended yesterday, when we had a good 2-3 inches of rain every day…every day for two weeks! Needless to say, the drainage system – such as it is – was massively overwhelmed. The roads around my house have up to a foot of standing water. And the best part, the drain behind my house got clogged with leaves and I had an inch of water in my bedroom and bathroom. Yippee!!! There is also paint flaking off of my bedroom ceiling in huge patches and the walls are all clearly soaked from the inside out; huge areas of dark sogginess are everywhere. Even the front door has expanded from the wetness to the point where I have to use my shoulder to get it open or closed. I think we must have arrived after the worst of last year’s rainy season, because I don’t remember it being anything like this when we got here.
The flip side of the rainy season is that it is also pineapple season…mmmmmmmm. Ginormous, yellow-orange, spiky footballs of deliciousness. Women walk around all over Cotonou with platters of whole, fresh pineapples on their heads. For 100f (about $0.25) they’ll peel one, slice it up and give it to you in a bag with toothpicks to make it easier to eat. THE perfect snack or dessert. Canned pineapple…never again.
A couple of stories from the “Cultural Adjustment Never Ends” file:
Was having lunch at a café not far from the bureau yesterday. It’s called Chez Tony and it serves what I think of as Lebanese comfort food: felafel, schwarma sandwiches, hommous, babaganouje and my personal favorite – sheesh taouk. (For those of you who know how much I love the sheesh taouk at The Mediterranean Kitchen in Seattle, this is nothing like that. But it’s still delicious. I digress.) Anyway, sitting there having lunch in the outdoor seating area and I felt something rub up against my leg under the table. When I looked down and saw a brown, furry thing I figured it was a small dog that wandered in from the street. But when it came out from under my chair it turned out to be a kid. NO! Not a child, a baby goat! C’est l’Afrique! (We actually have a little game we sometimes play here. We try to guess whether the screams we are hearing are coming from a child or a goat. They sound remarkably similar.)
And from the category of, “You ain’t all that enlightened, dude” comes the following incident:
I was buying grilled chicken from a street vendor near my house the other night. I do this a couple of times a week, so I know which ones are safe and which will leave me regretting it later on. Anyway, while I was waiting for my chicken a guy approached me and said that he had just arrived from Ghana and hadn’t found work yet and could I give him some money so he could get something to eat. As you might imagine, something like this happens frequently here in Benin – one of the ten poorest countries on Earth. I determined very early on that the only way for me to deal with these situations without going rapidly broke or crazy was to politely and consistently decline. So I said, “Sorry, I can’t give you any money.”
He asked again for money and I said, “I can’t give you any money, but if you want food you can have some chicken.”
He told me he needed money for him and his family, so I said, “Okay. Sorry, then. Good Luck.” And I left with my chicken.
As I said, this is a fairly common occurrence. I have long since gotten over any feelings of guilt I had about not being able to help every single person who asks. But as I was walking home I realized I was feeling guilty. WTF? Why, after months of routinely being confronted with the same situation, was I suddenly feeling guilty about this one?
I thought maybe it was because I was buying food at the time, but I offered him food and he didn’t take it. Then I thought maybe because he mentioned his family, but I’ve actually been waylaid by mothers with children in-tow, so that wasn’t it either. It wasn’t until I got back to the house that I realized what it was. He was from Ghana…so this entire exchange occurred in English. Unlike most other times when I can dismiss the situation with a quick, “Ce n’est pas possible.” or the somewhat more deceptive but always effective, “A la prochaine.” (basically, “I’ll get you next time.”) this guy engaged me in my own language. Something about the fact that we were speaking English made it seem worse when I had to refuse his request. Why? The only thing I can come up with is that by speaking English he seemed more like me; there was less distance between us – he was less ètranger – and so it was harder. ♫ We are the world…♫ My ass!
So…a couple big things coming up. Next Friday, July 4th, there will be a big shindig at the Ambassador’s house to celebrate Independence Day. Then, after the festivities it’s off to the airport to greet the next batch of volunteers. There are 65 in total, including 12 SED and 3 ICT volunteers who I will be working with for the first week of training. Should be fun!
Then, toward the end of July we are going to execute the first step in the Marketing plan for CAMeC; a series of public information meetings all around the country to promote the use of arbitration and mediation as a way to resolve commercial disputes. We will have at least one stop in each of the 12 departments (basically, provinces) of Benin. It should last from 2-3 weeks and I’ll get to see most of the country in the process. More details as they become available.
Showing posts with label Culture. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Culture. Show all posts
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Saturday, May 17, 2008
The good, the bad and the...you get the idea
April 14, 2008
Please forgive the (latest) loooong delay between my updates. It has been a difficult few weeks for me here and I didn’t want to just vent my frustrations at everyone. That being said, it has by no means been “all bad” and I have no intention of leaving early as have some of my erstwhile colleagues. I am beginning to make plans for my Masters Degree project and am actively looking for ways to become more engaged in my (or some other) community. As with all things, PC is what you make of it and I am determined to make something I can be proud of when all is said and done. So…
Many of you have enquired as to what my daily routine is like. Oddly, it isn’t very different from many of you…for better or worse. Unlike “normal” PCVs who live and work primarily in small towns and villages far from Western amenities, I work in an office in Cotonou, with AC and internet. I work a normal “9-to-5” work week, although with a tad more flexibility than most of you probably have. I’m working on the marketing aspects of our little operation right now, so I spend time making contacts with press, business groups, gov’t officials, etc. – anyone who is in a position to help us get the word out. I spend what seems like an inordinate amount of time in meetings – many/most of which are frustrating on multiple levels. Often my French ability (STILL) proves to be inadequate for me to understand much of what is being discussed. Often, even when it is clear, we end up discussing (i.e., arguing over) trivialities. (An hour and twenty minutes deciding whether or not to offer a cocktail at our opening reception; I kid you not!)
I proposed a Marketing Plan for CAMeC back in December (I think) and a major source of my frustration is that it has yet to be addressed in any meaningful way. We’ve had one meeting about it in which we spent an hour and a half wordsmithing the first page. No one appears to want (or maybe to be ready) to discuss the substance of the proposals. One potentially interesting idea in the proposal is to create a radio serial with a lawyer/barrister as the protagonist. Each week he handles a new case and shepards it through the arbitration/mediation process, all to the satisfaction of both parties. Programs like this have been effective in other parts of Africa regarding other issues (HIV/AIDS, female genital cutting, domestic violence). We’ll have to see if it works for us or if we can even afford it, as I have no idea how much it would cost to produce here; especially since we would probably need to produce it in at least six languages (French, Fon, Yoruba, Bariba, Dendi and Adja)
Such are the pitfalls of having the least PC-like job in all of PC. Having a “real job,” I keep expecting things to happen at the pace of a real job in the USA. Such is distinctly NOT the case here. I don’t know if they just don’t yet understand that a deadline is actually a deadline, or if they just think that “somehow” the work will magically get done, or if they think the money will keep coming whether or not anything gets done…I just don’t know. And I don’t have any authority to act on my own. I can give them advice, I can cajole them, I can make suggestions – often very pointed ones – but I can’t actually DO any of the real work. I had a chance to have lunch with the Country Director for Millennium Challenge and her deputy on Friday and we’re going to stay in contact and see how things develop.
While all of that has been building, I have not been sitting still, however. I recently traveled all the way up to the Nigerien (not Nigerian) border to a town called Malanville, where another PCV had asked me to help with her women’s group. She is teaching them to make things like handbags and coin purses out of recycled plastic bags (there are A LOT of them in Benin). So she asked me to come up and talk to them about how to sell the stuff she is teaching them to make. For almost a week I got a taste of what “real” PCVs do on a daily basis. It was very eye-opening. Malanville is the farthest north PCV in Benin – and it’s f’ing HOT there. I think one day it only got to 98 degrees, every other day was over 100. THIS is why everyone goes inside and closes their doors between 12:30 and 3:00pm every day. You would die of dehydration otherwise. We spent one entire day at the only nice hotel in town, lounging by the pool and sipping the occasional beverage. Ultimately, we did a little work, had a lot of fun, and generally just enjoyed being out of Cotonou for a week. Everything up there is very different, from the weather to the landscape, to the people, to the food. It was a nice change.
Then the last weekend in March was our All-Volunteer conference. All the Benin PCVs got together at a nice hotel here in Cotonou for three days of workshops and drinking…um, I mean…training. The hotel has a pool, HOT showers (nobody in PC has a water heater) Wi-Fi in the rooms, a great restaurant and bar (DRAFT beer) with a patio that overlooks the lagoon…very nice place. It was a lot of fun – and surprisingly relevant. We had a general venting session called “Rumor Busters” where everyone had a chance to voice whatever rumors they had been hearing and got more or less frank answers from PC Admin. We had sessions on what is or is not working with PC Benin and got the opportunity to suggest our own solutions. And we had lots of sector-specific sessions where we got to share experiences and compare notes with the other PCVs in our sector. That was actually the least valuable for me, since I’m doing the least PC-like job in PC. Not much to “compare” to, I’m afraid. Of course, when we weren’t in session we were hanging out by the pool, drinking cold draft beer and eating pizza. ;-)
One of the highlights of All-Vol is the annual talent show (and date auction). Yes, I performed in the talent show. My friend Ben and I did a duet of an Irving Berlin tune, C-U-B-A (shout out to the Austin Lounge Lizards). Someone got it on video, so as soon as I get it I’ll post it here. We were a big hit, though we didn’t “win” on account of we had to go first and the judges had to leave room in their scores for the later acts. (Sour grapes, anyone?) The date auction (think, Bill Murray and Chris Elliot in Groundhog Day) is a strictly unofficial event organized by Benin PCVs to supplement the funds raised by the other big highlight of the weekend, the GAD Dinner and Auction.
GAD is the Gender and Development project, specifically intended to ensure that women and girls are accounted for in our efforts to assist the people of Benin. GAD funds a myriad of small projects throughout the country throughout the year and is almost entirely funded by the proceeds from the annual auction(s). All the PCVs have really amazing outfits made and let me tell ya, we clean up pretty good. Most of the ex-pat community in Cotonou is invited and they spend lots of money on lots of stuff to help support GAD. A grand time was had by all. I did my part as well, replacing my poor dead iPod with a brand new iPod Shuffle that was kindly donated by the nice folks at Apple. I also bought a basket of chocolate that somehow had two small boxes of Frangos!!!! in it. They were little boxes of four mints each and they managed to make it all the way here without melting…don’t ask me how.
Luckily, the remaining chocolate hasn’t melted yet because I recently got a REFRIGERATOR! (Full-size with a freezer!) Yes, folks, it’s hardly like Africa at all now that I can make ice, buy butter and store leftovers. Admittedly it cost me a bit of money, but I expect to more than pay for it over the next 18 months as I can now keep food fresh for more than 48 hours at a time. I can also buy things like beverages, meat and cheese in bulk quantities for much cheaper than by the meal’s worth. In the last week I have had ham and cheese and grilled cheese sandwiches. I realize that this may seem insignificant to you, but after 9 months of mostly starch this is HUGE! This alone has made an enormous improvement in my overall level of happiness. (Not to mention the cold beer.)
On the flip side, however, I recently had a zemidjahn driver try to mug me on the way home from a restaurant…so you take the bad with the good. I managed to get away unharmed and without loss, so it’s OK. But it didn’t make me feel very “warm and fuzzy.”
I’m getting involved with some side projects here and there. A volunteer who is working with the national parks department is going to put together a Benin tourism website (probably a wiki) and has asked me to be responsible for the section on Cotonou. I’m going to ask Jacques (my APCD) if I can get reimbursed for eating in restaurants and staying in hotels around town as part of my “research” for this project. Wish me luck…
I’m teaching a class on Business Leadership at a Biz Mgmt school here in Cotonou. I’m teaching it in English which is great for me but sometimes tough on the students. The idea is to expose them to a professional level English vocabulary while at the same time teaching them something about leadership. I try not to resort to French unless I really have to. I’m never quite sure if the students are “getting it” or not. But I get the occasional really intelligent question or insightful counter-argument that let’s me know that at least some of them are getting something. I figure that’s the best I can hope for.
Coming up at the end of April is a workshop on how to start and operate a village savings and loan association – basically, a micro-credit program. This should be very interesting, if not terribly applicable to my primary project. But once I’ve been through it, I can take the information to other PCV’s posts – like Meagan up in Malanville – and help them start programs in their villages. Yet another good reason to get the hell out of Cotonou for a while. (Can you tell it’s not my favorite place on Earth?)
And the thing that I think I’m most energized about. There have been a group of three filmmakers in Benin for the last few months working on a documentary about child trafficking. It is a big and much underappreciated problem in Benin. They recently went back to the states to resume their “normal” lives and to edit and complete their film. (For more on their project go to: http://unseenstories.wordpress.com/about/ ) They are going to be returning next summer with a short animated film in multiple languages that they will tour around the country, giving screenings and educating people about the issue. This tour is going to be largely focused around PCVs and their communities and I am helping to organize the tour. At the same time, lots of PCVs are holding independent events highlighting the problem; the first is a rap concert/party in Parakou on May 17th organized by my friend and fellow PCV Jaren Tichy in Tchaorou.
That’s about it from here. Saturday, I’m going to a Passover Seder at the home of our Country Director. That should be interesting. Other than that, I’m reading lots of books and watching lots of movies. I highly recommend Charlie Wilson's War and a novel called Arthur and George, by Julian Barnes.
Please forgive the (latest) loooong delay between my updates. It has been a difficult few weeks for me here and I didn’t want to just vent my frustrations at everyone. That being said, it has by no means been “all bad” and I have no intention of leaving early as have some of my erstwhile colleagues. I am beginning to make plans for my Masters Degree project and am actively looking for ways to become more engaged in my (or some other) community. As with all things, PC is what you make of it and I am determined to make something I can be proud of when all is said and done. So…
Many of you have enquired as to what my daily routine is like. Oddly, it isn’t very different from many of you…for better or worse. Unlike “normal” PCVs who live and work primarily in small towns and villages far from Western amenities, I work in an office in Cotonou, with AC and internet. I work a normal “9-to-5” work week, although with a tad more flexibility than most of you probably have. I’m working on the marketing aspects of our little operation right now, so I spend time making contacts with press, business groups, gov’t officials, etc. – anyone who is in a position to help us get the word out. I spend what seems like an inordinate amount of time in meetings – many/most of which are frustrating on multiple levels. Often my French ability (STILL) proves to be inadequate for me to understand much of what is being discussed. Often, even when it is clear, we end up discussing (i.e., arguing over) trivialities. (An hour and twenty minutes deciding whether or not to offer a cocktail at our opening reception; I kid you not!)
I proposed a Marketing Plan for CAMeC back in December (I think) and a major source of my frustration is that it has yet to be addressed in any meaningful way. We’ve had one meeting about it in which we spent an hour and a half wordsmithing the first page. No one appears to want (or maybe to be ready) to discuss the substance of the proposals. One potentially interesting idea in the proposal is to create a radio serial with a lawyer/barrister as the protagonist. Each week he handles a new case and shepards it through the arbitration/mediation process, all to the satisfaction of both parties. Programs like this have been effective in other parts of Africa regarding other issues (HIV/AIDS, female genital cutting, domestic violence). We’ll have to see if it works for us or if we can even afford it, as I have no idea how much it would cost to produce here; especially since we would probably need to produce it in at least six languages (French, Fon, Yoruba, Bariba, Dendi and Adja)
Such are the pitfalls of having the least PC-like job in all of PC. Having a “real job,” I keep expecting things to happen at the pace of a real job in the USA. Such is distinctly NOT the case here. I don’t know if they just don’t yet understand that a deadline is actually a deadline, or if they just think that “somehow” the work will magically get done, or if they think the money will keep coming whether or not anything gets done…I just don’t know. And I don’t have any authority to act on my own. I can give them advice, I can cajole them, I can make suggestions – often very pointed ones – but I can’t actually DO any of the real work. I had a chance to have lunch with the Country Director for Millennium Challenge and her deputy on Friday and we’re going to stay in contact and see how things develop.
While all of that has been building, I have not been sitting still, however. I recently traveled all the way up to the Nigerien (not Nigerian) border to a town called Malanville, where another PCV had asked me to help with her women’s group. She is teaching them to make things like handbags and coin purses out of recycled plastic bags (there are A LOT of them in Benin). So she asked me to come up and talk to them about how to sell the stuff she is teaching them to make. For almost a week I got a taste of what “real” PCVs do on a daily basis. It was very eye-opening. Malanville is the farthest north PCV in Benin – and it’s f’ing HOT there. I think one day it only got to 98 degrees, every other day was over 100. THIS is why everyone goes inside and closes their doors between 12:30 and 3:00pm every day. You would die of dehydration otherwise. We spent one entire day at the only nice hotel in town, lounging by the pool and sipping the occasional beverage. Ultimately, we did a little work, had a lot of fun, and generally just enjoyed being out of Cotonou for a week. Everything up there is very different, from the weather to the landscape, to the people, to the food. It was a nice change.
Then the last weekend in March was our All-Volunteer conference. All the Benin PCVs got together at a nice hotel here in Cotonou for three days of workshops and drinking…um, I mean…training. The hotel has a pool, HOT showers (nobody in PC has a water heater) Wi-Fi in the rooms, a great restaurant and bar (DRAFT beer) with a patio that overlooks the lagoon…very nice place. It was a lot of fun – and surprisingly relevant. We had a general venting session called “Rumor Busters” where everyone had a chance to voice whatever rumors they had been hearing and got more or less frank answers from PC Admin. We had sessions on what is or is not working with PC Benin and got the opportunity to suggest our own solutions. And we had lots of sector-specific sessions where we got to share experiences and compare notes with the other PCVs in our sector. That was actually the least valuable for me, since I’m doing the least PC-like job in PC. Not much to “compare” to, I’m afraid. Of course, when we weren’t in session we were hanging out by the pool, drinking cold draft beer and eating pizza. ;-)
One of the highlights of All-Vol is the annual talent show (and date auction). Yes, I performed in the talent show. My friend Ben and I did a duet of an Irving Berlin tune, C-U-B-A (shout out to the Austin Lounge Lizards). Someone got it on video, so as soon as I get it I’ll post it here. We were a big hit, though we didn’t “win” on account of we had to go first and the judges had to leave room in their scores for the later acts. (Sour grapes, anyone?) The date auction (think, Bill Murray and Chris Elliot in Groundhog Day) is a strictly unofficial event organized by Benin PCVs to supplement the funds raised by the other big highlight of the weekend, the GAD Dinner and Auction.
GAD is the Gender and Development project, specifically intended to ensure that women and girls are accounted for in our efforts to assist the people of Benin. GAD funds a myriad of small projects throughout the country throughout the year and is almost entirely funded by the proceeds from the annual auction(s). All the PCVs have really amazing outfits made and let me tell ya, we clean up pretty good. Most of the ex-pat community in Cotonou is invited and they spend lots of money on lots of stuff to help support GAD. A grand time was had by all. I did my part as well, replacing my poor dead iPod with a brand new iPod Shuffle that was kindly donated by the nice folks at Apple. I also bought a basket of chocolate that somehow had two small boxes of Frangos!!!! in it. They were little boxes of four mints each and they managed to make it all the way here without melting…don’t ask me how.
Luckily, the remaining chocolate hasn’t melted yet because I recently got a REFRIGERATOR! (Full-size with a freezer!) Yes, folks, it’s hardly like Africa at all now that I can make ice, buy butter and store leftovers. Admittedly it cost me a bit of money, but I expect to more than pay for it over the next 18 months as I can now keep food fresh for more than 48 hours at a time. I can also buy things like beverages, meat and cheese in bulk quantities for much cheaper than by the meal’s worth. In the last week I have had ham and cheese and grilled cheese sandwiches. I realize that this may seem insignificant to you, but after 9 months of mostly starch this is HUGE! This alone has made an enormous improvement in my overall level of happiness. (Not to mention the cold beer.)
On the flip side, however, I recently had a zemidjahn driver try to mug me on the way home from a restaurant…so you take the bad with the good. I managed to get away unharmed and without loss, so it’s OK. But it didn’t make me feel very “warm and fuzzy.”
I’m getting involved with some side projects here and there. A volunteer who is working with the national parks department is going to put together a Benin tourism website (probably a wiki) and has asked me to be responsible for the section on Cotonou. I’m going to ask Jacques (my APCD) if I can get reimbursed for eating in restaurants and staying in hotels around town as part of my “research” for this project. Wish me luck…
I’m teaching a class on Business Leadership at a Biz Mgmt school here in Cotonou. I’m teaching it in English which is great for me but sometimes tough on the students. The idea is to expose them to a professional level English vocabulary while at the same time teaching them something about leadership. I try not to resort to French unless I really have to. I’m never quite sure if the students are “getting it” or not. But I get the occasional really intelligent question or insightful counter-argument that let’s me know that at least some of them are getting something. I figure that’s the best I can hope for.
Coming up at the end of April is a workshop on how to start and operate a village savings and loan association – basically, a micro-credit program. This should be very interesting, if not terribly applicable to my primary project. But once I’ve been through it, I can take the information to other PCV’s posts – like Meagan up in Malanville – and help them start programs in their villages. Yet another good reason to get the hell out of Cotonou for a while. (Can you tell it’s not my favorite place on Earth?)
And the thing that I think I’m most energized about. There have been a group of three filmmakers in Benin for the last few months working on a documentary about child trafficking. It is a big and much underappreciated problem in Benin. They recently went back to the states to resume their “normal” lives and to edit and complete their film. (For more on their project go to: http://unseenstories.wordpress.com/about/ ) They are going to be returning next summer with a short animated film in multiple languages that they will tour around the country, giving screenings and educating people about the issue. This tour is going to be largely focused around PCVs and their communities and I am helping to organize the tour. At the same time, lots of PCVs are holding independent events highlighting the problem; the first is a rap concert/party in Parakou on May 17th organized by my friend and fellow PCV Jaren Tichy in Tchaorou.
That’s about it from here. Saturday, I’m going to a Passover Seder at the home of our Country Director. That should be interesting. Other than that, I’m reading lots of books and watching lots of movies. I highly recommend Charlie Wilson's War and a novel called Arthur and George, by Julian Barnes.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Musings on God and Culture
The problem with not giving God any of the credit is that you can’t give Him any of the blame, either. If I am responsible for bringing all of the positive things into my life over the past few years, then I’m also responsible for all of the shit I’ve put myself and others through over all the years before (and since, for that matter). And by what is one’s life judged? (Leaving aside the question of “By whom?” for the time being.) Is it by the cumulative effect of one’s actions for good or ill; or is it by the quality of the person one has become by the end? Is it by the consistency with which one lives up to a set of values over a lifetime; or by the fervency with which one approaches them once the truth of what is at stake becomes clear? By the amount and quality of one’s work; or by the depth and sincerity of one’s love? Or does the judgment come in those moments of supreme doubt or suffering, when one is forced by life to make the impossible choice on the basis of criteria that no human being can ever reconcile with rational thought? And how can you know until the time comes?
I think perhaps the crux of the dilemma is best expressed by what I think I remember to be a Jewish tradition. (Andrea?) The idea being that, in the beginning God was everywhere and everything. When He decided to make his Creation, He had to withdraw from part of the universe in order to make room for it to exist. And thus He observes his Creation from outside, caring extravagantly for what happens to his Children but no longer able to direct their actions or correct their mistakes. Thus it can be argued that without God nothing else could be possible, yet by the same token without God (having removed Himself from his creation) all things – both good and evil – become possible. It is said that if a single bird falls from the sky, that God is aware of it. But the bird falls nevertheless.
These thoughts come to me unbidden and interrupt me as I am trying to absorb as much as I can about this place, its people and culture. I’ve been re-reading a novel called The Sparrow, about a first contact with an alien culture, and I find my experience here to be similar in many ways. I am constantly torn between what I am learning in the classroom and what I am experiencing on the street and in my home; learning textbook French while at the same time having to adapt to the African version of the language and somehow trying to reconcile the differences; perpetually anxious that out of ignorance or misunderstanding that I will commit some cultural faux pas that I am utterly unaware of and which nevertheless could destroy any sense of rapport that I might have established with my host family or within the community. And constantly aware that no matter what happens, based on my conception of my relationship to the universe, that I AM RESPONSIBLE.
The sense of responsibility is perhaps the most difficult aspect of this experience. The truth that I must take responsibility for all of my actions, and all of their consequences, is palpable in a way that it has never been for me before. At times (this moment is one of those times) the feeling makes me want to retreat into my room and not venture out for fear of making some colossal blunder. At other times I am overcome by the impulse to judge these people and their culture by the standards with which I grew up – most of which are alien to their way of life. This, in turn, makes me feel enormously guilty because I know that down that path lies disaster. It is a razor’s edge, and I marvel that so many have come before me and managed to navigate it successfully. How many of them had these thoughts as they embarked on their task? I have no idea…
If ignorance is bliss, then just call me ecstatic.
I think perhaps the crux of the dilemma is best expressed by what I think I remember to be a Jewish tradition. (Andrea?) The idea being that, in the beginning God was everywhere and everything. When He decided to make his Creation, He had to withdraw from part of the universe in order to make room for it to exist. And thus He observes his Creation from outside, caring extravagantly for what happens to his Children but no longer able to direct their actions or correct their mistakes. Thus it can be argued that without God nothing else could be possible, yet by the same token without God (having removed Himself from his creation) all things – both good and evil – become possible. It is said that if a single bird falls from the sky, that God is aware of it. But the bird falls nevertheless.
These thoughts come to me unbidden and interrupt me as I am trying to absorb as much as I can about this place, its people and culture. I’ve been re-reading a novel called The Sparrow, about a first contact with an alien culture, and I find my experience here to be similar in many ways. I am constantly torn between what I am learning in the classroom and what I am experiencing on the street and in my home; learning textbook French while at the same time having to adapt to the African version of the language and somehow trying to reconcile the differences; perpetually anxious that out of ignorance or misunderstanding that I will commit some cultural faux pas that I am utterly unaware of and which nevertheless could destroy any sense of rapport that I might have established with my host family or within the community. And constantly aware that no matter what happens, based on my conception of my relationship to the universe, that I AM RESPONSIBLE.
The sense of responsibility is perhaps the most difficult aspect of this experience. The truth that I must take responsibility for all of my actions, and all of their consequences, is palpable in a way that it has never been for me before. At times (this moment is one of those times) the feeling makes me want to retreat into my room and not venture out for fear of making some colossal blunder. At other times I am overcome by the impulse to judge these people and their culture by the standards with which I grew up – most of which are alien to their way of life. This, in turn, makes me feel enormously guilty because I know that down that path lies disaster. It is a razor’s edge, and I marvel that so many have come before me and managed to navigate it successfully. How many of them had these thoughts as they embarked on their task? I have no idea…
If ignorance is bliss, then just call me ecstatic.
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